What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 04:52
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I waited trembling.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But, we were locked up after school.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why do men like BBW? What is the attraction?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When she asked me how she looked .
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She married twice! .
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I have no regrets .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Was to survive, this bastard.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
How do I get my body in shape?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
What’s something you’ve learned that you think everyone should know, but nobody talks about?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What traits are considered unattractive? Which traits are typically seen as attractive and why?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
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We all went to grammer schools
Im still living with it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have the power to talk to aliens through using telepathy. Why do people think I'm crazy?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was very sick at this time too.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I could never make a relationship work though!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was seconnd youngest,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So, i spoilt her more .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One cannot live in the past .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
I don,t even have a pension.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Comes on , in middle age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I couldn’t, believe it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She found it foreign!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is soul school!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She loved him until the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
(And it was in our own minds.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My family never makes their pension either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I will be 64.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it wasn’t much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My life is so biszare .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was scared of men, in general
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..